An Essay on Fruity Drinks

There is something that has been irking me as of late and it has nothing to do with poker. I'll come out an say it right now. I like to drink fruity/tasty/girly alcoholic beverages and the stigma attached to these drinks is just a bunch of bullshit. While everyone drinks to get drunk, I would at least like to enjoy the taste of it before I am schwasted beyond belief.

Beer is just the worst or as Bryn Kenney (of all it takes is confidence fame) would say, "it's the pitsssss". I honestly don't know how anyone in their right mind can enjoy the taste of beer. And most people really don't they just train their brain to tolerate it. Another reason I don't like beer is I physically can't make myself burp. I might burp once or twice a year, if that. So I have a limit as to how much beer I can drink. By 5 beers I'm bloated beyond belief and if I continue to keep drinking I instavomit. So basically, beer just isn't a viable option. Oh and did I mention it tastes like cow piss?

Another option might be straight shots but realistically that's not too great of an option either. Of course it tastes even worse than beer unless you enjoy the sensation of burning in your throat. I know I don't. Now, I can understand taking lots of shots to expedite the process of getting fucked up but it's never a happy ending when you do that. You generally take 10-15 shots in a short period of time and I'd say 1 in 4 times of you taking this route to drunkeness one shot goes down awkwardly and you find yourself in the nearest lavatory puking your brains out. But if you puke your brains out, what does that mean? You have to start over! Also, if you do get past your 25% bad beat, an hour later you will find that those 10 shots you took in a 15 minute span was way way too much. Shortly thereafter your night ends with a date with the porcelain god. It's just too easy to get carried away with shots. Another thing is when you take a shot you are finished. Buy another, toss it back, and buy another. It's quick and very easy to get carried away. Man, I really think way too much into things lol.
One last reason is I have a hand fixation. I have to hold something while walking around a bar, party, or club. It gives me a sense of comfort. I mean, think about it. If you don't have something in your hands then they are just flailing around awkwardly. You can put them in your pockets but then you look closed off. What about the back of your pockets? Then you just look insecure. You could cross your arms but then you look stubborn. So holding a drink in my hand is the logical progression of this. Getting back to taking shots, it's just not an option.

So mixed drinks it is. They are such a beautiful thing. The world is your oyster with mixed drinks. Just ask a bartender for their drink and you will get a different drink everywhere and nothing ever gets old. Or create your own concoction at home and tell a bartender to make it. The best part of mixed drinks is they taste great!

Now the stigma. I happened to run into this a lot on a recent cruise to the Bahamas. Guys would think I was less of a man even though generally those people are trying to compensate for some insecurity they never got over. Girls would accuse me of being gay and to be honest having a girl say anything to you is great because it's just another in to talk to them. And I really could care less. I want to enjoy drinking what I drink. THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE. If people want to make fun of me for drinking what I like, then bring it on. I love Pineapple and Goose. In fact I've managed to get at least 5 friends into drinking it on a regular basis. The drink is just good. Yes, it's a bit fruity and it's yellow but who cares. At least I enjoy myself when I drink. In fact almost all tasty, fruity drinks are in fact very vibrant in color. I've also come to the conclusion that the martini is not a girly drink at all. I could be drinking a pink martini and it would still have more alcohol in it than any beer, mixed drink, or shot. Well maybe not all shots. I've heard of and done some of the craziest. Liquid Cocaine. The Four Horsemen. The Flaming Dr. Pepper. But in conclusion, I love fruity drinks. And I hope this rant quashed the stigma of fruity drinks forever and hopefully one day you can shake my hand and tell me thanks, that I changed your life, was the reason you lost 20 pounds, whatever.